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30th November 2011, darkness.

It's 2am in the morning. I'm either half asleep or maybe it's just that my mind is too occupied. I spent my whole time fidgeting on the bed I came to a stop when you reappeared in my mind. I thought that you were forgotten. I thought I would be alright, I would still be I am without you. Not till I found out that I still have fear. I'm afraid of you, I'm so scared that I couldn't face myself, because I made so much mistakes. And losing you is one of them. Everything came back like a gust, I thought I could lie to myself, I thought I acted well enough that nobody knows. The fear that you used to possess is now tearing me apart, I'm struggling. I wish for nothing else but you. I lied to everyone, and they seemed that they believe it so much just because I looked like I don't care. Now that you're gone , I'm left with the world me and only myself. Not us anymore . I miss you .
11 November 2011, Rainy.
It's 3 am in the morning. I'm still awake. Not because that I don't wanna sleep, I can't sleep. The image of you reformed in my mind, and disappeared again, and came back again. I can't believe that its still there, I thought it should have been gone. Why? Why is it still there?

Life still went on, and I thought that I'm fine. But it was all when I wasn't fully conscious. I woke up and its still there, it's never going off. I just can't hold on with a straight face, I had to make a fool outta myself, I'm being such an idiot. I'm doing all this, to make myself look fine. I pretended that I was, even the worse would happen. I just want you to see that I'm fine, I will go on without you, like a fire without its flame, a bird without its wings. Like how I am, looking like a fool.

I really hope that you're still doing well, and that's why I decided that I should have left. Its enough to see you happy, I would want nothing more than you. I love you.
28 October 2011, Rainy.

Here's a new song I wrote based on River Flows In You by Yiruma .

Holding on to you is all I ever wished. 
Listen to your troubles and to see your smile, 
Waiting till that day that I could be with you. 
Listen to your prayers and to make it true.. 

Holding you, Holding you.. 
It's in you, River flows in You. 
Waiting till, Waiting till. 
Waiting for you to feel me there...

 Holding you, holding you. 
It's in you , River flows in you. 
Holding on , be with you.. 
No matter it is life or death.... 


Walking on the path of our memories.. 
Looking back and saw that all that I have done.. 
Now that you have left me all for my mistakes ..
I would give my own heart only just for you.. 


Holding you, Holding you. 
It's in you, River flows in you. 
Waiting till, waiting till. 
Waiting for you to feel me there. 


Holding you, holding you,
It's in you, River flows in you.
Holding on, be with you. 
No matter it is life or death. 


Holding you, Holding you, 
It's in you , River flows in You. 
Through your heart, and I feel that.
The river is flowing inside me ..


River flows in you ~
27 October 2011, Rainy.

Walking in the rain, listening to your favorite piece. It doesn't matter how long  does it take, it doesn't matter what's gonna happen in between, it really don't. It will all be worth when you're back. My mind is so filled up, filled up with us, too much of us, I can't even feel how heavy the rain was. My whole body was drenched and I thought that it was only drizzling. I've no idea where am I going, I walked on and on aimlessly/

After a long walk, I stopped at the same place, the place where there was us. My mind started rewinding, the scenes flashed out like a playback, I felt that I've saw everything, but I can no longer feel you. Where are you? Are you there? I miss you. I've been holding on to myself, struggling with my everyday life, hoping that you would come back to me. I tried with all of what I could, I tried not to break down. But it always happen whenever I passed somewhere where we used to be , or if I see you. I don't know what I am now, I kept searching for you, but I don't want to see you. What is wrong with me ?

The same old song kept replaying inside my mind, the same scene comes into my mind over and over again. No, I don't want to be mentally ill, no I'm not. I just need you.
25 October 2011, Rainy.

The wind moaned and the leaves fluttered down like snowflakes, dark clouds swirling around, the lighting struck across that catastrophic scenery. The raindrops began falling down endlessly. I  feel the raindrops on my head, beating on me mercilessly. Sorrow plunged through my soul and drove away everything else. The tears in my eyes can never be seen again, I can't shed a tear. As I listened to the teardrops, a song came up into my mind, the piece that I always played, and you fell asleep on my shoulders. As I ended the piece, you woke up with a smile and you said you love that piece, Kiss the Rain, has been stuck in my mind ever since. Now that you're gone, I wrote the lyrics to that piece for you, to remember your love, for everything you gave me. I love you.

When I am all alone 
I see you next to me 
I tried to hold you hand 
I realised it's all a dream. 

Although your heart is mine 
It's hollow inside
For that reason, 
I let you go. 

Chorus:
And every night.. 
I lie awake, 
Hoping that baby you will come back to me one fine day .. 
And I'll always, 
Wait till you are, 
Back to me ,
To go on 
Without that emptiness .. 

I always ask myself 
How did I lose your heart 
And it is all just me 
I caused it all myself . 

You are my hope and wish
To be next to you 
To be there for you .. 
But this is all apart .. 

Wherever I would go
I see you everywhere
And baby I'm sorry 
Please come back to me .. 

Baby my heart is yours 
It will always be 
And I miss you 
I really do ... 

-Repeat chorus -

When you are not with me 
I'll always feel you there 
To hold on to my hand 
To hold onto your heart once more .. 

Baby my heart is yours 
It will always be 
Never thought that 
I let you go ... 

When I am all alone.. 
I see you next to me .. 
And baby I'm sorry.. 
Please come back to me. 

Baby you have my heart, 
You will always have. 
Cause I love you. 
I'll always do .. .

Girl you know I , 
I'll wait for you.. ...  

-The end- 
24 October 2011, Sunny. 

I'm a friend, that's what you said, but am I ? Things have changed so much quickly. I don't know how to react to it, I really have no clue. I feel more and more restless every minute, I want to end this life, to end the pain. I would rather die than living in agony.

Pain or not, it never lasts. I always thought that it would be over soon, but it comes back again and again, it is repeating over and over again. The inevitable catastrophe struck my life and I can't react in no time. It's worse than anything I've been through. But it really doesn't matter how hurtful it is, I don't cafe what it is. I'm waiting for that one day, that day when you come back to me. I would need nothing more.

Friend or not, it makes no big difference, it won't change my life, it wont take away my pain. But I'll be there for you, as whatever , a friend, a stranger, anything. I will be the one that you think that is perfect. I want to hold on to you, and never let you go. I have got so much to share with you, so much joy. Yeah.. a friend.

If only life is a game, a game that you could reverse your steps. If only I have another chance, to make me see everything, to see you, to hug you, to love you, to protect you, and to make you smile. If, if I could get to see you, to tell you everything, to ask you about life, to help you in anyway. If only ....
23 October 2011, Cloudy.

As I scanned through the calender, I realised how fast time passes. How I wish that I could turn them back. It doesn't matter how will it turn out to be like, as long as I can be with you once more, and not repeat my mistakes again ..

It is the second week without you, and my life hasn't change much after you left. I still see you everywhere, like how I used to, I still love you, much more than how I used to. I still miss you, a lot more. I'm afraid to go anywhere, even into sleep, I'm so scared that I would dream of you and tears come rolling down my eyes, I don't want to cry, I don't want to feel the pain. I even fear to step out of my house, I'm scared that I would bump into you, I'm so scared that I would go to places where we used to go. I'm so scared, I'm afraid of living.

I can never forget how we used to be, I can never forget your presence. Till now, I still feel you there.